NOTE:  This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor.  Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.

Name:  ____________________________________  Date of Birth:  __________

Social Security No.:  _________________  Driver's License No.:  _____________

IQ:  __________  GPA:  _________   FBI No.: __________

Home Address:  ___________________________________  Phone:  _____________

Any other addresses I should know about?  ___________
                    (Might as well admit to it now because I will find out!)

Do you have one male and one female parent?  If not, explain:  _______________________

Do you own a van?  _____  A truck with oversized tires?  ______  A waterbed?  ______

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly-button ring?  ______  A tatoo?  ______  Do any of your portraits have numbers on them?  _________  Did anyone have to read this application for you?  ________  Who?  ________

(If you answered YES to any of the last 5 questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?  ______________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you?  ____

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?  ______________________

What is your church affiliation?  ___________ How often do you attend? ________

Best time to interview your parents?  __________  Your preacher?  ___________  Your employer?  _____________  Your probation officer?  _____________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?  _____  Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?  _____

What size glove do you wear?  _________
 

Answer the following questions under oath:
 

• The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is:  __________________
• A woman's place is in the:  ______________________
• My greatest fear is:  __________________________
• When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is:  ___________________  (note: if your answer begins with a "T" or an "A," discontinue, and LEAVE AT ONCE, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, for your own safety).

I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.

                                                        _______________________________
                                                                                                        (Signature)

Note:  If you have to ask what this means, you are a MORON, so tear up this application and leave immediately!