NOTE:  This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor.  Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.

Name:  ____________________________________  Date of Birth:  __________

Social Security No.:  _________________  Driver's License No.:  _____________

IQ:  __________  GPA:  _________   FBI No.: __________

Home Address:  ___________________________________  Phone:  _____________

Any other addresses I should know about?  ___________
                    (Might as well admit to it now because I will find out!)

Do you have one male and one female parent?  If not, explain:  _______________________

Do you own a van?  _____  A truck with oversized tires?  ______  A waterbed?  ______

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly-button ring?  ______  A tatoo?  ______  Do any of your portraits have numbers on them?  _________  Did anyone have to read this application for you?  ________  Who?  ________

(If you answered YES to any of the last 5 questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?  ______________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you?  ____

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?  ______________________

What is your church affiliation?  ___________ How often do you attend? ________

Best time to interview your parents?  __________  Your preacher?  ___________  Your employer?  _____________  Your probation officer?  _____________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?  _____  Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?  _____

What size glove do you wear?  _________

Answer the following questions under oath:


I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.


Note:  If you have to ask what this means, you are a MORON, so tear up this application and leave immediately!

Thank you for your interest.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases.
You might watch your back!