NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.
Name: ____________________________________ Date of Birth: __________
Social Security No.: _________________ Driver's License No.: _____________
IQ: __________ GPA: _________ FBI No.: __________
Home Address: ___________________________________ Phone: _____________
Any other addresses I should know about? ___________
(Might as well admit to it now because I will find out!)
Do you have one male and one female parent? If not, explain: _______________________
Do you own a van? _____ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? ______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly-button ring? ______ A tatoo? ______ Do any of your portraits have numbers on them? _________ Did anyone have to read this application for you? ________ Who? ________
(If you answered YES to any of the last 5 questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ______________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you? ____
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
What is your church affiliation? ___________ How often do you attend? ________
Best time to interview your parents? __________ Your preacher? ___________ Your employer? _____________ Your probation officer? _____________
Have you ever been fingerprinted? _____ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded? _____
What size glove do you wear? _________
Answer the following questions under oath:
I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.
Note: If you have to ask what this means, you are a MORON, so tear up this application and leave immediately!